I Hope That You
by smw10803
Summary: My take on Eliza's reaction the the Reyonld's Pamphelt. (probably trash) T cause I'm paranoid and talk of suicide.
1. Chapter 1

**AN: So this is my first story. just another one of the countless takes on Eliza's reaction to Hamilton's affair. Hope you like it!!**

ELIZA POV

I sit at the fireplace, looking deep into the embers and the ashes that fly away. I can't believe I'm going to do this… Do I really want to? I think, Yes, I do. A single tears escapes my eye and reach out behind me to the coffee table and pull up on the lid. Inside lies a smaller chest that holds all the love letters that Alexander ever sent me, I pull it out. When I open the chest, the first letter I see is the last he ever sent to me. I open it up and it reads:

My Dearest Elizabeth,

Words cannot express how excited I am to get married to you. General Schuyler is trusting me to love you forever, and I cannot say anything except that I am more than happy to. I hope that you will love me forever as well, Eliza. I will never betray you my dearest, Eliza. Never hurt you or make you hurt. I love you Eliza. Until our wedding day.

Love, Alexander

My tears flow at a faster pace. He said he will never betray me or make me hurt, and look at what he has done now. I throw it into the fire and watch as the flames eat up the paper, hungry for more. I read the next one, stating that he wants to meet with me for a surprise. That was the night he proposed. 16 years of marriage, down the drain for a 20 year old. I dump the rest of the letters that are in the chest into the fire. All my tears have escaped my grasp, and I start to compose myself. I hear a whimper coming from the door. When I look back, Alexander is slouched against the wooden door frame looking into the fire with tears in his eyes, "Did I deserve this?"

I nod, "You had an affair with another woman."

"Yes I did, but I did-"

"No 'buts' Alexander. You did it and I hate you for it." I say and brush past Alexander leaving him to stare into the fire. I start to walk up the stairs to head to bed when he calls me again, "Betsey, wait, I can explain. Please let me tell you everything."

"I really don't want to hear about your affair with Mrs. Reynolds, Alexander."

"Eliza, please you have to hear me out. You have to let me tell you, please!"

"The children are asleep do you really want to wake them with your story of how you slept with a 20 year old?" I ask, "I'll talk to you about it later as in once I give the children to Angelica so she can watch them."

I walk up the rest of the stairs and go into the bathroom. I sit on the floor and I cry when I thought I didn't have any tears left to shed. Everything leaves me on the floor by myself, and then I hear a knock at the door. I sniffle and ask, "Who is it?"

"Its Angie, I need to pee."

I laugh at my 8 year old daughter and stand up to open the door. She walks in and leave her to her privacy. I walk down the hall and I go into the bedroom, Alexander sits on the bed looking at the chest that held that letters I burned. "You burned them all?" He asks when he noticed I had walked in.

"Yes, in one of them you promised me that you would never betray or hurt me, and look at you now." I spit with hatred.

"Eliza you have to understand she needed money and then she-"

"She needed money? So to men money is sex?" I ask.

"Well, no, but she was so help-"

"Don't even say it. Don't you dare say that she was helpless or in need of someone who cares." I walk toward him with a fire in my step and I grab his collared shirt with the ruffles and say, "Don't you dare say anything that is along the line of she was helpless because I know what helpless is. I was helpless."

"Eliza, but she was. She was so helpless and-"

"Alexander, when were these sheets last washed?" I ask changing the topic, but all for a good reason.

"Four months ago? Why?"

"I've been sleeping on a bed that you had sex with another woman on for four months?" I ask, my temper rising.

"Well, yes, I guess."

"Get off the bed."

He stands up and backs away, his arms up with his hands by his head, surrendering, not trying to get on my nerves anymore. I pull all the sheets and all the pillow covers off the bed. I walk down the stairs, carefully so don't fall. I talk one step on to the floorboards of the lower floor when Phillip, my oldest child, ask, "What are doing, mother?"

"Go back to your room, I'll be there in a minute, okay?"

He nods and waddles back to his room, sensing the tension in my voice. I walk into the living room, I hear Alexander's footsteps right on my tail. I throw them into the raging fire one at a time and say, "Tonight, you will sleep in your office down here, I cannot even look at you, Alexander. I can't even." I walk past him and go to Phillip, taking the same route to go to the bathroom, just a little bit farther down the hall. Before I enter Phillip's room I pray that he doesn't ask any questions.


	2. Chapter 2 (08-11 05:47:02)

When I reach Phillip's room, I walk inside. He is sitting at his desk writing his cursive alphabet out on paper. When my child notices me in the door he stands, pushes his desk chair in, and opens the door wider so I can walk in. I sit on his bed and he sits next to me. "What were you doing to those sheets, mother?" He questions me.

He takes after his father when it comes to his words, "I was throwing them away because there was an awfully big hole in them."

"Where is Father?" He ask me next.

"Your father did something very wrong, so he is not aloud to see me right now, okay Phillip."

"What did he do?"

"Well," I think for a moment, "he kissed another woman."

"Father said that he 'penetrated your love by having sex with another woman.'"

"Is that what he said?"

"Yes, ma'am."

"Will you excuse me for a moment, Phillip?"

"Yes, I'm going to finish my cursive alphabet!"

"That is great honey!"

I walk down the hall to the creaky wooden stairs. As I run down the stairs, I think of how I am going to yell at Alexander. I walk down the hallway to his office and barge in. "You told our 10 year old child that you 'penetrated our love by having sex with another woman'?"

"He wasn't supposed to tell you that." Alexander states defensively, as if that is going to help his case any.

"You still told our child that you had sex with another woman?"

"Yes, I thought he was old enough."

"You know when I learned about this stuff? When I was 14, and I had a good reason to learn it. You told our 10 year old that you had sex with someone that isn't me. You told him that you did it anyway. He wasn't supposed to learn that, but you told him everything!!!"

"Whoa, everything? He doesn't know what it actually is."

"Whatever, Alexander. You can just shut up." I walk out of his office and to the bathroom. I look in the medicine cabinet below the sink. I find a bottle that has the most pills in it. I take the bottle back to my room. I sit down at my little desk in my room and write:

Dear Angelica,

By now, you have probably heard what Alexander has done. Since I know you are in town, I need you to pick up the children right away so I can take care of the mess that Alexander made. You are all the help I need right now, and I assume John is willing to help with the children if you can't handle it. Thank you for helping me out in my time of need.

Love, Elizabeth Schuyler-Hamilton

I put it in an envelope and write down her address and mine. I lick the envelope closed. Once that is done, I look at the pills. I don't need to do this I think. I set the pills down on my dresser and walk back to Phillip's room. "Phillip, it's time to go to bed."

He gets up from his desk and hops into his bed. I give him a kiss on the forehead, "Goodnight, my child."

"Goodnight Mother." He says, and I blow out his candle.


	3. Chapter 3

When I awake the next day, I'm on the floor beside the bed because I didn't want to sleep on that bed. I comb my hair and I get dressed, pulling out a simple blue dress from my early 20s, when I met Alexander. I go down the stairs, and my 4 children are all sitting eating breakfast with Alexander. Alexander Jr. and James are much too young to know what is going on, but Angie and Phillip need to know exactly what is going on. I clear my throat which gets Alexander's attention. I point to living room that was disconnected from the kitchen. He said something lightly to the children and went in. I closed the door so the kids couldn't hear what we are saying.

"What are we going to about Alex Jr. and James, who are much too young to know about what is going on with us."

"Well Phillip already knows part of it. Thanks to me. We need to tell Angie."

"Okay, so what about James and Alexander Jr. We have to tell them a duller version or something, right? And we have to tell Angie and Phillip the proper version."

"I have a plan, I take Alexander Jr. and James upstairs to lay down for a nap. When I come back, we will tell Phillip and Angie what is going on minus me having sex with Maria for a year."

"Alexander…for a full year."

"Not the point, my dearest, Eliza." He says, getting to the point

"Alexander…" I warn through gritted teeth.

"Okay, sorry."

We walk out together, standing what feels like a mile apart, and Alex picks up James and Alexander Jr to take upstairs. I sit down and make small talk with the 2 oldest, asking them how school is going and if they are learning anything shocking. As soon as Alexander sits down, I begin to talk, "Angie, Phillip, we have things we want to talk to you about, okay?"

"This is very important so we need you to pay attention, and if you want to ask questions go ahead." Alexander says.

"So, lately, your Father and I have hit a rough patch in our marriage, all 12 years of it."

"Eliza…" He warns me with his eyes .

"See your Father decided to help someone out, a woman."

"And I got a little carried away."

"Huh a little?" I questioned.

"Not now Eliza." He said through gritted teeth.

"He got really carried away and he kissed this other woman, so your Father and I need to work it out. You will be going to Aunt Angelica's either later today or tomorrow, so pack your clothes up so you can leave with her if she comes today."

They nod and walk off to go pack their clothes up.

"Real smooth, Eliza. No our children think I'm a scoundrel."

"You and your stupid pride. Your worried that your kids are going to tell anyone else. You already told the whole country with that stupid pamphlet."

"Stupid pamphlet?"

"Yeah, stupid. Also, 95 pages worth of your freaking affair is tough to read through, especially when it's about your husband's affair."

"Go help your children pack, Eliza." He orders.

"Shut up, Alexander, or we won't be talking. I will be kicking you out." I threaten, "Then your pride will be ruined for good, or maybe you can go live with Maria Reynolds, I'm sure she'd let you stay after what you did to her."

"Eliza, I don't think you understand the situation, I stopped it because I realized she is not what I wanted."

"Go help Phillip pack, silently." I say, "As in keep your mouth shut or you won't have lips to talk."

I go upstairs and start to pack Alex Jr's clothes with a few task he might want to complete while he is with Angelica. As I pull clothes off of the wooden hangers, I hear Alexander talking to Philip.

"...I love your mother, but I got carried away. As long as you don't make the same mistakes as me you will be fine… Obey Aunt Angelica, I'm going to go pack James's things up for your Mother." He gave him so useful advice for once.

I finish packing up Alexander Jr's stuff and set it outside his door. I tell Philip to do the same when I go by to Angie's room. I look at what she has pulled out on the bed. She has a blue dress, much like mine, a red dress, a bright yellow dress, a light pink dress, a green dress, and a light blue nightgown picked out for her stay with her aunt. I approve of what she picked out and nod. She knows she can pack it all up. I go into James's room one door down, where Alexander is picking out shirts and pants. I walk over and say, "These brown pants go good with his blue and green shirts. His gray ones go good with his white and dark blue shirts, and he has four vest that go over each of these, He know which are which and who they belong to." I say and walk out. I go down stairs and sit down for a few minutes. At that moment, I hear someone knock on the door.

When I open the door, my sister stands, "I came as soon as I heard."

"Angelica!" Alexander says. He runs down the stairs eager to see her, "Thank God someone who understands what I'm struggling to do."

"I'm not here for you." She tell him, "I know my sister like I know my own mind, you'd never find anyone as trusting or as kind, but what we had aside from standing at her side, I hope your satisfied. God, I hope your satisfied."

I clear my throat. "Great job Angelica for scaring the crap out of Alexander, Let me get the kids to get their bags so you can go and I sort this out with him." I walk to the stairs and yell, "Children, Aunt Angelica is here, grab your bags and let's go."

I walk back to Angelica, " I missed you."

"I missed you too, Eliza."

"Thank you for doing this," I smile, "I need to talk to him, and I don't want the kids to know, so you're being a big help."

"Of course!" At that moment the kids come down stairs.

"Aunt Angelica!" They scream and run to give her a hug.

"Alright kids, everyone has their bags?" They nod, "Good, then onward to the carriage." Angelica directs.

"Thanks again, Angelica."

"Of course, Eliza. Bye, I love you!" She screams walking to the carriage.

"Bye, Love you too!" I yell back. And the carriage drives off.

I turn and look back at Alexander, "Now I have a few questions for you."

He sits at the table and says, "Of course."

"Why did you do it? Was I not…" I pause tears starting to make the journey down my cheeks, before I get ten words out. I look down the corset I wear, not much there to love. He nods, encouraging me to go on, "Was I not desirable? Am I not desirable to you anymore? Do you not want me anymore?" My tears keep flowing, and I don't think they will ever stop now.

"Oh no, Betsey, no. It's not your fault. All I can think about is you."

I sniff, "Then why did you do it? If it not my fault, then why did you do it?"

"I don't know, Betsey, I don't know, but you are all I can think of, okay."

"If you promised to love and never betray me, then why did you do it, Alexander, why?" I sniffled more and he didn't respond.

"Why did you do it Alexander Hamilton? Why did you burden you wife and kids with this? Why did you do it?"

"I did it because I needed to feel something. You have always been desirable, but men always want something more. Okay."

I stop everything. I feel everything tense up, and I fall to the floor. All I can think is _The pills finally worked_.

 **AN: So, this is longer than usual, but longer the better! Hope yall liked it!**


	4. Chapter 4

I see my beloved fall to the ground, and panic rushes through me. I pick her up bridal style, and walk her through the house, careful not to run into anything and hit her on anything. Running to the doctors 2 blocks away, I keep mumbling, "Stay with my Eliza, stay with me. Betsey don't leave me. I love you, don't leave me!" Once we get there, I lay her down and call the doctor out to look at her. Before he comes, Eliza says, "Alexander, I hate you... for what you did... but love you... always…" Then her hands get cold and clammy, her labored breathing visibly stops, and her lips look the slightest bit blue. I call for the doctor again. He comes out and checks for a pulse, he must has at least somewhat witnessed what I did.

"Alexander Hamilton, your wife died." He declares

"But how?"

"Shock, naturally, diseases, or something with medication."

"Medication?"

"Yes."

"Please clean her up." I tell him, "I have to go, I'll be back in 2 hours."

I run out of the doctor's office. I sprint past the first block and slow down to a jog, once I reach the house. Pills? I think Where do we keep pills? I go inside and the first thing that crosses my mind is the bathroom. When I go in there, I look in the garbage, nothing. I search the floor, underneath the sink for an empty bottle. There is nothing. I go into our room. If she took any pills it would be in here. I look in the garbage, nothing out of the ordinary. I search in draws, all of them and there is nothing out of the obvious. My pants and shirts, my pajamas, her nightgowns, 4 sets of corsets, and some powder with brushes. I look under the bed. I see a quill, some ink, 2 notes, and an empty pill bottle. I pull it all out from under the bed. I look at the one of the notes first. It reads:

My Dearest Alexander,

My deepest apologies to you. You don't deserve to be widower. I took the pills Alex, I couldn't take it. That is the reason for any future prying I do. I knew it was going to take me, Alex, I knew it. I'm so sorry. I guess we're even then, you cheated and attempted to kill myself, and if you found this, it worked. I love you, Alexander. I forgive you, forever. Do you forgive me?

Love, Elizabeth Hamilton

She took the pills in effort to stop the pain, when I was going to make it all stop, but she loves and forgives me. Do I forgive her? Do I forgive her for leaving me with 4 children, one of which is a girl, and I'll have to help with her femininity issues? I have to. If I don't it is like saying I don't want her, and I still do. I will not remarry. I'm okay with being a single dad. I rub my eyes in attempt to not let tears spill and put down her little note to me and pick up the other note. This one reads:

Miss Elizabeth Schuyler,

I had a wonderful night of dancing with you. You have such a great family, wonderful sisters. Angelica seems like quite the charmer, and you are just so magnificent. I would like to request that you write me a time where we could eat dinner at my place, since I am on leave for the war. I can't wait to see you again.

Mr. Alexander Hamilton

This is the first letter I wrote her, she must have read it a thousand times, but she didn't burn it. She burned every letter, except for this one. I saw her dump the whole chest out onto the fire. This must not have been in the chest then. Then, I feel tears slip out of my eyes, and roll down my cheeks. This is the first I've cried since I've been 12. I have to tell Angelica today.

I get a carriage and begin the 30 minute ride over to her house. I think about how I'm going to tell her, and my kids. How am I going to tell them? I'll tell Angelica first, then we can brainstorm a way to tell the kids. By the time I arrive at Angelica's, I have a plan and I know exactly what I am going to say.


	5. Chapter 5

**A/N: hey guys, sorry its been so long since I last updated it. my goal for 2020 is to finish it. I got very busy very quickly, but I am here to finish this!!**

I leave the carriage and walk up to the door of Angelica Schuyler-Church and knock. I wait a few minutes and then Angelica opens the door. I see a range of emotions cross over her face including rage, confusion, and more anger.

"What do you want, Alexander? Shouldn't you be with Eliza, talking out the whole situation."

"This is actually about that, a little bit. Can I come in?" I ask, and she opens the door wider so I can walk in. The kitchen table is right in front of the door. She has a beautiful hallway and living room, all not closed off. She has her bathroom and a study off to the left, stairs just past the study, and a back door leading to her garden off to the right, past the sink.

"What happened to Eliza?" She asks as soon as the door is closed.

I sit down, and she follows, "After you left with our children, she started to ask me questions like 'Why did you do it?' and ' Was I not desirable?'" I tell her and she nods.

She leans forward on the table and ask, "Is she still desirable? Do you still want her? Why did you do it, Alexander?"

"She is desirable, I do still want her, and I'm going to tell you the same thing I told Eliza, because men want something more. We will never be satisfied."

"So then what?"

"Eliza fell out of her chair to the ground in our kitchen after I told her why I did what I did?"

Angelica's expression darkens as she ask, "Is she okay."

"I ran her to the doctor's that I ran Phillip and Angie to when they were really sick. I called him twice before he came out to look at her. Her lips were turning shades of blue and purple. Her skin was cold and clammy, you could see her labored breaths stop. When the doctor came out, he saw it all, and checked for a pulse. She was out." I choke out with tears streaming down my face, "I'm so sorry Angelica."

"She's gone?" She ask, and I can't even muster the words to speak, so I just nod. The tears begin to flood down her face. She turns pale, and I grab her hand. Seeing her cry enabled my own tears.

"Hey, let's go sit on the couch, okay?" I walk with her to the couch in her open living room. She holds me and cradles me, "It's okay, Angelica, let it all out."

"Alexander, I'm sorry, sorry for the loss of your wife."

"I have to tell the kids somehow." I tell her, "I need your help, Angelica."

She chuckles a little, 'The man who wrote 51 papers about the constitution and 95 pages about an affair, can't find the right words to use right now."

"Its ironic, I know. Angelica, please help me?"

"Oh, for real, okay." She looks off into space, "Tell them individually. They're in their rooms here, okay. Oh, and as they get younger, dumb it down a little bit more and more."

I nod, "Anything else I should do? That seems awfully simple."

"Well, maybe try not to cry."

"Okay then, thanks."

"Your welcome, now go." She pushes me off. I jump off the couch at which we sit, and go to the stairs. I'm sure how mich af Anglica's advice Im going to be taking at this point. It wasnt very clear and while dumbing it down is obvious, I can't seem to wrap my head around it. I take a deep breath and go up the stairs. When I reach the first landing, I think about I'm going to say 'Sorry your mom died' or 'You're mom left me, forever'. I don't know. I go up to the top of the stairs. This is it, I think, now or never. I go up to the first door, and knock hesitantly.


	6. Chapter 6

A/N Hey guys her is chapter six. i know it is kinda short, but you should never judge its worth by how many words are in the chapter. The finaly chapters will be up hopefully by January 31st so stay tuned!

Phillip, my first son and pride and joy, opens the door. He must be able to tell how tense I am, so, without words, he opens the door. I walk in and sit down on his bed. I back out before I even say a word. I need to get him out of the house so that way I can tell him.

"So, Phillip, I," My breath pauses, "I think we should go out for a little. You know, go outside and catch our breath from this incredibly tense room."

"Is everything resolved with mom?" he questions. Crap! I think Now I have to tell him.

"About that…"

"What happened with mom?"

"Mom, had a little, eh, accident."

"What happened with mom?"

"Mom made an irreversable choice. She decided to take a lot of pills that she shouldn't have taken. She wanted to end the suffering she felt in the only way she could think of and now she's dead." I spit as tears start flowing down down both of our faces.

"She died?"

" I'm so sorry that this the way you have to find out, but its what happened."

"You loved her, didn't you?"

"With all my heart, but, men, we make mistakes. We let our wants get ahead of what we know is good and right." I look at him, "Son, as a man, you have to keep your priorites straight so that way you dont end up in bad situations."

"Is that what happened with you? Did you wnd up in a bad situation?"

I admit," Yes. I regret it more than you could know."

"I forguve you, Dad," His tears just keep flowing.

"Come here, son." He, openly cries, more freely than before, and cuddles into me. I feel the moisture from his eyes soaking my shirt, but for knce I'm okay with the tears. For once, I finally feel close to my son. I see why Eliza loved being a mother. As I sit with Philip, I hear the door open, but no one says a word. I look up, not letting any part of my skin leave Phillip, and I see Angelica. She nods, and closes the door. She must finally approve of what I do with my children.


	7. Chapter 7

**A/N i know its short, again. im still working on it. next chapter will be up (hopefully) on monday!** Edit: i fixed my typo, so sorry friends.

Seeing Alexander with Phillip really makes me think about the whole thing. I knew that he loved her before this whole affair occurred, but I was doubting it afterwards. I heard part of their conversation, which I know is rude but I just couldn't resist. He told him that he did love her that men just make mistakes. Which is accurate, but what he said afterward to Phillip got me. When he told Phillip that he regretted the whole affair, every second with Maria Reynolds, that is when I knew that he actually loved my sister.

I leaned against the door. Moments like these make me fall for him again, of course I'm glad Eliza had him, but on occasional thought of his eyes isn't bad. After who knows how long, I leave the door at which I rested and walk downstairs. I sit on the couch, waiting to see Phillip's door open. When it finally did, Alexander walked out with puffy and red eyes and a frown. I look at him as he reluctantly grudges his way down the steps. He drags his feet into the living room, and sluggishly sits on the couch. His body looks like it is about to fall apart.

"So, how did it go?" I ask him.

He looks at me, almost as if he were tired," I think you saw how well it went, Mrs. Angelica."

"Right," I nod and he turns his head back, "Of course. Are you going to tell Angie next and the your two youngest or are you going to let Phillip do it?"

"I will do it. I just need a few minutes. Incase you couldn't tell," He looks at me, "I look like I have been crying, and Angie can tell when people cry in general. Don't need to give her more of reason to be upset when she sees this," He gestures to his face, resting his head back, "Beside if I try to talk about it again, I will bawl my eyes out."

I nod, "I know you loved her, but I also knew that whatever you have with Maria was-"

"Blackmail between James Reynolds. He told me that if I didn't sleep with Maria then he would out me anyway." He states cutting me off.

"Looks like that worked out great for you." I huff.

"Angelica Schuyler Church, do I need to tell you exactly what happened during all of this?"

"No, go tell the other children what happened to Eliza before I kick you out."


	8. Chapter 8

**A/N: so, this is going to be the last chapter of this little story. I had a blast writing this and I'm so glad that I got feed back for my writing! hope you enjoy the final installment of** **"I hope that You** **", it's kinda long... (sorry not sorry.)**

 **1 year later: Alexander's POV**

It had been a year since my love, Eliza, died from an overdose. The kids took the lose harder than I did, truthfully. But I was trying to remain strong for them.

I went up to my office, it was about noon, and I grabbed a pen and some paper and began to write a letter to Eliza. Every month or so, I would do this, kept me calm and made me relax. This one was more important than the last few had been. This one was the one that would effect everything in my doing for future writings. I always felt that my writing and my work was more important, but when I saw her dump the chest of letters in go the fire, I decided to start putting them in the little chest that she had. But instead of burning all of them, I decided that I was going to pick one letter to keep every year, then burn the other 11. So that way, I always had something to remember about the toughest moment of my life and remember the toughest time of her life. I know its beyond sappy, but its important to me. This would be the first time I would do this, I was excited.

'Dear Eliza,

It's been one year since I last saw your face. This past year has been a hard one for me. Loosing you was painful, and I thought I could make everything right. You already had that planned for you. I told the kids. Angie stepped up as the mother to Philip, Alex, and James. She grew up very quickly. She acts just like you, Betsy. I see you in her all the time. Philip is always saying 'what would mom do' to me, he knows that you kept me grounded. I always think about Betsy. Always. I haven't remarried, I dont think I will, you mean too much to me, Betsy. I learned to slow down after you passed, Eliza. You always told me to put the damn pen down and talk to you, and your passing made me realize how much I'm missing of my kids' lives when I sit in my office and write for hours at a time. I want to be more like you, Eliza. You were so strong and I want that.

One last thing before I stop writing and spend some time with James and Alex before Angie and Philip get home, I forgive you. I had a hard time forgiving you after you had left, but I forgive you now, Eliza. I hope that you still forgive me. I love you Eliza, forever and always, my love. I'll see you on the side, but not for a little while. I have a legacy to pass down, your legacy.

-Alexander Hamilton'

I put down the pen, wiping the tear that had slid out of my eye and started to trickle down my cheek. I stood up, grabbing the letter and making my way out of my office, "Alex, James, let's go pick up Angie and Philip."

My two boys run out of the play room and down the stairs.

"Careful boys, slow down." I tell them.

they grab my hands and we walk to get my other two children.

It was only a 5 minutes walk, one that I normally make alone so that way Angie and Philip get to see me a little bit before they start their homework, but today wasn't about the walk there, it was about the walk afterwards.

Angie and Philip waited by the doors of the school until they saw me. They knew that today we were going to the cemetery to see her tombstone because I had Alex and James with me. When they came up I gave them each a hug and began walking towards the cemetery up the road.

It was another 5 minute walk, but I enjoyed the company. We stopped at her grave. I sat with the children around the stone and began to read what I wrote to their mother.

Tears were streaming from their faces when I was done. Philip asks me, "Why dont you write more often, Dad?"

"Because of your mother. Your mom always told me to go talk to her, to go for a walk with her, to go to the market with her. I never did. You guy will never realize how much time I missed with her because I was always in my office with a pen glued to my hand. I made her a promise to keep up with you guys, that's one I intend to keep. Alright enough tears, let's go home for dinner." And we begin the walk back home in silence.

Later that night, I reread what I wrote to Eliza. I reread each letter from every month, trying to not think about the pain I felt, just the contents of the letter. I decided that my latest letter was the best one. It was the only one not stained with tears. It was the only one that I forgave her in. it was the only one that I told her I was never going to remarry in. I wanted to remind myself of that. so, I dumped the letters that were in the chest into a blazing fire. A single tear streams down my face as I watch it all burn, hoping that she can she it from where she is in heaven. I try to speak, but tears overwhelm me, "I hope that you..."

I couldn't get a word out so I just thought of it so that way she could hear me from heaven, 'I hope that you are proud of me, Betsy. I hope that you are proud to be wife, like you were when we got married.' my thoughts are cut off by my sleep, but the last thing I remember is 'I hope that you...'


End file.
